Seacrest: "Good evening. On everyone's mind this week are theburning questions about Thanksgiving turkey. Stuffing or dressing?Inside or outside the bird? Beginning tonight's questions, SimonCowell."
Cowell: "Representative Ron Paul, you call yourself a ‘purist.'How is that attitude commensurate to the matter of stuffing theturkey at the Paul household?"
Rep. Paul: "It's none of the government's business. It's not myplace to decide. Everyone has a responsibility to choose whether ornot to stuff their bird."
Cowell: "Congresswoman Bachmann: Same question."
Michele Bachmann: "I have always stood on the side of theturkey. I have never wavered from that position."
Cowell: "Congresswoman Bachmann, this follow-up question: ifyou're elected president, what will you do to change your hideoushairstyle?"
Paula Abdul (sobbing): "Oh, Simon, you are mean! How can you beso mean?!"
Cowell: "Get a life, Paula."
Seacrest: "Randy Jackson, your question for the candidatesregarding their Thanksgiving turkey?"
Jackson: "Right, dawg. Gov. Huntsman, you were formerlyambassador to China. Did you pick up any good turkey stuffing tipsin China?"
Jon Huntsman: "Randy, the stuffing isn't the main concern withthe turkey. It's stir-frying. I will only stir-fry a turkey indomestic oil."
Jackson: "This to Herman Cain. Mr. Cain, as former CEO ofGodfather's Pizza, are you qualified to stuff a turkey? Andspeaking of turkeys, I've gotta ask, what's up with all this talkof once-upon-a-time you havin', you know, a few too many hens inthe barnyard? Just keepin' it real, dawg."
Herman Cain (winking at Congresswoman Bachman): "I represent, er... resent that line of questioning."
Cowell: "House Speaker Gingrich: as a former member of Congress,what in your vast experience uniquely qualifies you to makedecisions on stuffing the Thanksgiving turkey?"
Congresswoman Bachmann: "Excuse me, Simon. I'd like to answerthat question. I was a tax attorney, and I know how the tax systemworks. And believe me when I say, I have always stood for fences.Yes, fences are the way to keep turkeys within our borders, notonly here in America but in other countries, too."
Cowell: "Dear God, woman, is there something wrong with youreyes?"
Paula Abdul: "I hate you, Simon!"
Newt Gingrich: "We need a contract with America about stuffingour Thanksgiving birds. My first day in office I'll sign 200executive orders ..."
Gov. Rick Perry: "Excuse me, but y'all should know that in TexasI wouldn't eat any turkey that hasn't been vaccinated againstHPV."
Former Sen. Rick Santorum: "Last week I met with 14 homemakersin Iowa who all promised to serve dressing on the side of theirturkeys on Thanksgiving. In fact, statistics show that half of allturkeys ..."
Gov. Perry: "Pardon me for being a ‘Buttinsky,' Mr. Santorum,but if Iowa built fences to keep out illegal turkeys we would besure all U.S. turkeys are guaranteed the right to contain ... tocontain ... ummm ... I can't think of the ... OOPS. But I want toemphasize that my opponent, Mitt Romney, has flip-flopped on theturkey issue saying he was first ... was before he was before..."
Former Gov. Mitt Romney (resting his hand on Gov. Perry'sshoulder): "Governor, I think the real issue here is PresidentObama has failed to find these turkeys jobs. Jobs, jobs, jobs. TheObama administration is on the fence and flapping ‘a-fowl' of jobs.He's ‘fowled-out' on jobs."
Gov. Perry: "Giblets."
Gov. Perry: "I thought of what I meant. Giblets."
Ryan Seacrest: "I'm afraid there's no clear answer today on thiscomplicated issue of whether to stuff the Thanksgiving bird, buthopefully everybody makes like a turkey on Thanksgiving and goesgobble-gobble-gobble!"
Thank you, friends, for tuning in to our turkey debate. Now,back to your regularly scheduled newspaper.
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