Therefore, giving great deliberation to sticky wickets thecouple might encounter going forward in theirlife-in-a-goldfish-bowl marriage, I've appointed myself RoyalAdvice Diva ("RAD") as a little gift to the newlyweds. After all, Ihave been a married person over half of my life, and though I can'tlay claim to a royal heritage, what the heck – marriage ismarriage, right? So in honor of this royal wedding weekend, let'sbegin with a few queries regarding some thornier issues alreadyrearing their clumsy heads. Such as:
(From Kate): "What is up with a groom who declines to wear awedding ring?" Now is probably the wrong time to be having thisconversation, dear. If William doesn't wish to wear a wedding ring,we must wonder why. Is he hoping to convey a continued availabilityvia his ringless fourth finger? I mean, it's certainly not like hecan't afford a ring for himself. Look at the money he saved onengagement jewels by passing along his mother's ring (and yes,discussing money matters with royalty is the height of tawdriness).Let's hope the bridal wedding band contains a whopping diamond tomake up for your ringless groom.
(From William): "Was it tacky to invite four ex-girlfriends tothe wedding when Kate invited only two ex-boyfriends?" Look, Wills,(may I call you "Wills?"), I think you blundered into a potentiallandmine by including your former flames in the invitee column. Yourealize, of course, that Camilla, your step-mum, was an invitee toyour parent's wedding and look how that turned out. Personally, youshould thank your lucky stars Kate didn't go dredging up half adozen exes to drag to the wedding – even if it meant inviting thedorky kid with thick glasses who had a crush on her inkindergarten. Still, it would be prudent to assign large, burly mento keep an eye out for any excess consumption of cocktails at thereception. You don't want a jealous brawl to be the highlight ofyour celebration, now do you?
(From Kate): "Have we gone overboard designating 26 charities ina benevolent fund for wedding guests and well-wishers to donate torather than giving us presents? We've received at LEAST a dozentoasters!" You know, there is always that awkward notion thatfriends and family should give us nothing less than exactly whatour hearts' desire for our wedding. Do you realize the pressurethat puts on your beleaguered guests? Sure, there are registriesand all, but in taking the black rhino by the horn and setting upyour own special charitable destinations, you have certainly shownyour generous natures – not to mention the real bottom line:"Cooking? What cooking? We don't need no stinking blenders! We have'Help!'" By the way, the Zoological Society of London's black rhinoin Kenya says, "Hey, thanks for the contributions! The pygmy hippowants to know when he's getting his."
(From William): "Has Kate shown her 'commoner' roots by orderinga multi-tiered fruitcake as the centerpiece for the wedding?" Hey,Prince W., let's cool it with the fruitcake cracks. For Pete'ssake, you've ordered a chocolate biscuit cake as an alternativetreat. Chocolate biscuit cake is supposed to be sophisticated? Imean, while fruitcake has admittedly suffered a bad rap over theyears, it isn't like Kate has gone all "My Big Fat Greek Wedding"on you, dressing her bridesmaids in tacky dresses and wearing ajeweled tiara ... oh, she'll be wearing a jeweled ... ? Upon ...excuse me, CAMILLA'S advice? Well. OK, so it's not as if the royalwedding fruitcake baker makes cakes for supermarkets, right? Oh.She does? Hmmm ... nevermind.
So, William and Kate, I hope this bit of "RAD" advice comes inhandy in times of need because heaven knows you have some awkwardbaggage to deal with in that royal family of yours. And, yes, itappears that the royal baggage has arrived.
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