On Valentine's Day I got my girlfriend expensive jewelry. Ithought this was every girl's idea of a great gift. Turns out therattlesnake head necklace I gave her made her very upset. She is anature lover so I thought this was perfect. Please help. Signed,Fallen-into-the-Rattlesnake-Pit.
Let's get one thing straight. I prefer you not refer to me asthe "VD" Expert. Let's not resort to laziness by labelingEVERYTHING with its initials because sometimes that's just wrong onso many levels. OK? Now, let's see if we can right some Valentine'sDay wrongs, shall we? Your idea of giving jewelry was right on buta scary, fang-filled rattlesnake head? Not so much. Because yourgirl is a nature lover, what could be more natural than jewelrymade from YOUR OWN BONES?! That's right. One scientificallysentimental jewelry manufacturer will, if provided with a smallsample of your bone, or even a tooth apparently, use your tissue togrow another bone, which they will then carve and shape into alovely ring for your sweetie. What could be more natural thangiving her literally a part of yourself?
Dear Cupid's Cousin:
I am dating an older lady who is built more for comfort than forspeed, if you know what I mean. I thought maybe she just needed areminder that she's been packing on the pounds, so I got her abathroom scale for Valentine's Day. Instead of thanks, she heavedit at me. Now what? Signed, Knocked-My-Block Off.
Well. Could you have been more boorish? No girl wants to bereminded on Valentine's Day she's gotten a little broad across thebeam. Remove the focus from her weight with a sensitive gift tohelp keep her looking young. The considerately named "WrinkleReducing Pillow" is right down your alley and has the added benefitof hurting your noggin a whole lot less than those bathroomscales.
Dear Valentine's Day Gift-Giving Guru:
The week before Valentine's Day, my supermarket ran this ad:"Make Valentine's Day special with one stop at King Soopers."Therefore, I swung by on my way home from work and got my wife someroses festively wrapped in plastic. She was underwhelmed and toldme that any fool can pick up a bunch of roses at the supermarket.I've given my wife roses every Valentine's Day since 1961, and Ican't figure out where I went wrong. Signed,She-Broke-my-Pair-of-Rose-Colored-Glasses.
Dear Broken Glasses:
First of all, what, pray tell, is a "Soopers?" You went to "KingSOOPERS" for a Valentine's Day gift? OK, the handwriting is on thewall. You've bought your wife the same gift for the past 50 years.Sure, you did your best, but you've got to think outside the box,Bunkie! Here are two words guaranteed to bring you back from thebrink of Valentine disaster: elephant poop. That's right. You canstill give the love of your life roses but let's bring a littleoriginality to it, shall we? Next year, purchase eco-friendly,"stink-free" paper roses made entirely from elephant poop! And hereyou thought there were no more good ideas left. Who knew? Breakthat "Soopers" habit for good and take time to smell thenon-reeking roses.
Dear Advice Angel,
My wife and I like to read the newspaper in the "throne room."This makes it tricky when trying to pass sections of the paper backand forth, so this year I splurged for Valentine's Day and boughther the "Two Person Toilet." I'll tell you what, this was no cheapgift, but she was, in a word, livid. Any suggestions? Signed,Johnny-on-the-Pot.
Oh, good grief. What am I to do with you? And what, for heaven'ssake, will it be next Valentine's Day? Couples colonoscopies? Ifyou have to get her a two-seater anything next year, make sure it'smade by Mercedes.
So there you have it, Valentine's Day veterans of giftrejections. Next year be ready with one of my sure-fire, notmisfire, Valentine's Day gifts guaranteed to keep you out of along, lonely visit to Valentine's Day rehab.
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